Coffee as an Antidepressant: Its Pros and Cons

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s new book “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2011)

In America, we consume over 400 million cups of coffee every day. Ever wonder why so many of us make such a lustful beeline for our caffeine?  Could it be the oodles of antioxidants it contains? Or that science has revealed its health benefits, including lowered risk of diabetes, Parkinson’s disease, gallstones, and colon cancer? I don’t think that even these unquestionable virtues are what make coffee the highlight of your day. Then what does? The mood and energy-enhancing effects of caffeine. Caffeine stimulates the central nervous system and acts as an antidepressant by elevating serotonin and dopamine--it’s even been shown in the Archives of Internal Medicine to lower suicide rates. Some experience the mood boost more than others. Unknowingly, many people self-medicate depression with caffeine. How to know if you’re doing this versus just getting a beneficial pick-me-up? Some tip-offs: You consume more than four caffeinated beverages daily, including teas and diet sodas. Or you keep increasing your caffeine intake to feel less depressed, but it’s losing its effectiveness. I’m all for making the most of coffee’s therapeutic perks to allay low-level depression, but sometimes you may need other approaches when this emotion still persists. To find out if you’re self-medicating depression, you can stop your caffeine intake. After a month (most withdrawal symptoms, which include headache and fatigue, will be over by then) notice if you’re notably more depressed without caffeine, not always an easy experiment. Should you discover that you are self-medicating, also consider the numerous therapies discussed in this chapter to augment coffee, or to replace it. However, mild depressions can respond well to simply drinking up to three cups daily. (Try spacing them out; caffeine remains in the system four to six hours). More than this increases side effects and raises the chances of tolerance and addiction: You consume greater quantities but don’t get the lift. Always consider caffeine’s pluses and minuses. Reduce your intake if you have insomnia, heartburn, palpitations, headaches, or nervousness. Moreover, if you’re being treated for heart disease, hypertension, gastrointestinal problems, or other chronic illnesses, consult your physician before you ingest caffeine in any form.


Judith Orloff MD, an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA and intuition expert, is author of the New York Times Bestseller Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Three Rivers Press, 2011) Her other bestsellers are Positive Energy, Intuitive Healing, and Second Sight. Dr. Orloff synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition and energy medicine. She passionately believes that the future of medicine involves integrating all this wisdom to achieve emotional freedom and total wellness. www.drjudithorloff.com

FREE MINI VIDEO CLASSES ON YOUTUBE FOR YOU!
Please check out “Dr. Orloff’s Living Room Series” to find out more about the special method Dr. Orloff recommends to remember your dreams and other topics to build the power within. Stop by www.youtube.com/judithorloffmd anytime. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PURCHASE the paperback book, Whose Stuff Is This? Finding Freedom from the Thoughts, Feelings, and Energy of Those Around You at http://tinyurl.com/EmpathAmazon.
The e-book version is now available for Kindle, iPhone, iPad, and other digital reading devices on Smashwords.com. Get the PDF on the author's website: WeAreOneinSpirit.com.
Why not have someone read the book to you? Check out the audio book MP3 file version.


The author, Yvonne Perry, is available as a spiritual coach. See http://weare1inspirit.com/services/coaching/ for information about a free 15-minute evaluation to see if coaching is right for you.
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Suicide: A Perspective Beyond Time and Space

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s new book “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2011)

The dark night of all dark nights is the hopelessness of wanting to die.

In this state, you can see no promised land beyond depression.

Over the years, several of my patients have attempted suicide. One did die: a heavy metal rocker with a sapphire-blue Mohawk and a sensitive soul. But super-stardom could never allay his depression or persistent back pain for which none of the many specialists he consulted could locate a medical cause. Legions of fans revered him, but he didn’t revere himself. He felt happy and pain-free only on stage, immersed in his music and adulation. When he killed himself, we hadn’t met for many months, but I was deeply saddened. I’d been his safe place for two years; we’d been very close. I did everything I could think of to help him, but he was on a runaway course. Plus, he was surrounded by shark-like managers who urged him to go on tour despite his precarious condition. Intellectually, I realized all this, but still I lamented my inability to save his life. I’ll always miss him. I’ll always recall those days I’d visited him after a previous suicide attempt. He was on a locked psychiatric ward along with others who were psychotic, suicidal, and homicidal. To me, it’s a crime to put someone who’s depressed in with that mix. I wish I could’ve sent him to a peaceful retreat with sunlit porches and hammocks to dream on. But our mental health system isn’t organized like that. All those needing intensive care go to the same hellish ward in traditional hospitals. So I saw him there until he was no longer suicidal. Against my advice he went back on the road too soon. I was greatly afraid for him. Then, four months later, I got the call: he was found dead in his London hotel room after slashing his wrists.

Most suicides are preventable with skilled interventions. I know people--including those on a spiritual path--who at dark times have considered taking their lives. (Suicide is the eleventh leading cause of death among Americans.) If you’ve had these thoughts, they’re nothing to be ashamed of. But I also know that suicide isn’t the answer. Freedom comes when you persist in searching for the light until it’s visible again.
In service to our growth, life asks an extraordinary amount of us. That used to anger me. Some situations seemed unendurable. Watching my ebullient, talented mother waste away from cancer, struggling to find strength to be there for her without disintegrating, I’d inwardly protest, “I can’t do it. I don’t have it in me.” But I did--and had to see that. So must you. Try to keep reaching beyond pain towards a greater power within. My spiritual teacher says, “Heaven is not a dead-end road.” With hope and the proper support, you will find it.

For years I believed suicide was an option we had the right to choose if things got rotten enough. I no longer feel this way except, possibly, with terminal patients in constant physical agony. From deepening my intuition, I came to realize that holding onto suicide as an out separated me from the essence of living. A commitment to staying in my body through it all was mandatory for being fully alive. Thus, to be more present, I’ve vowed to follow the wisdom of whatever life brings.

Weigh this critical point: Leaving your body doesn’t make emotional challenges disappear. The soul’s work continues. What I intuitively sense about its destinations is that who you are here is who you’ll be there too, albeit without the physical form you’re accustomed to identifying with. I don’t mean this punitively. I’m simply saying you’ll eventually have to face your demons. Personally, I’d rather do it now than drag out the ordeal. I prefer to go onto other things. For those who believe in past lives, facing the self is unavoidable. Whether now or in distant eons, you must do it. This is good. This is purifying.

I’ve had an ex-boyfriend and some acquaintances commit suicide when depression became unbearable. Two by overdosing, one with a gun. Though I wasn’t in regular contact with these people at the time they took their lives, I was notified by mutual friends the day each suicide happened. While I was shaken by both these losses and the terrible desperation that must have occasioned them, I was also curious about where these people went and their subsequent state of being. So I tuned in, simultaneously inquisitive and anticipatorily weary about the kinds of pain I’d encounter. What did I find? None of them were in places I’d ever want to be, and each felt utterly lost. Always there was severe confusion, a swirling-through-limbo vertigo that made me nauseous. Where they were at felt like the alarming, abrupt plummeting of an airplane during turbulence--but cube that by the speed of light and picture if it didn’t let up. Still, despite the dire straits they were all clearly in, I also intuited a beneficent force surrounding them, though it didn’t seem as if they recognized it. They felt totally alone. When tuning into the lawyer who’d shot herself in the head, I found her disorientation was so jolting I could barely stay with it. This panicked woman had no idea where she was. Dizzying, disjointed memories of her life were bombarding her at such speed, “overwhelmed” didn’t begin to describe her condition. I suspect it took a while to find her bearings and proceed to a calmer place. From what I could intuit, the violence of her suicide made the transition even more chaotic. Once I got the gist of her experience, I wanted out of that vision so I didn’t risk absorbing such angst.

I share my perceptions with you to offer what I sensed about suicide. As you can see, it may not be a way out of anything, as many depression sufferers envision. Though the pain in question may be temporarily put on the back burner, suicide seems to create another set of problems and a tumultuous journey. Even so, I’m certain that the soul eventually finds clarity and gets all the chances it needs to master emotional obstacles.

My duty as physician and healer is to talk people out of suicide. I can be effective  because I absolutely know there’s hope for everyone and that depression is a distortion. It swallows the light, making misery seem like the only truth. But it is not. You must remember that. If ever suicide starts looking good, stop, regroup, and fight to find hope. Reach out for help. Don’t be seduced by the voice of depression.



Judith Orloff MD, an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA and intuition expert, is author of the New York Times Bestseller Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Three Rivers Press, 2011) Her other bestsellers are Positive Energy, Intuitive Healing, and Second Sight. Dr. Orloff synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition and energy medicine. She passionately believes that the future of medicine involves integrating all this wisdom to achieve emotional freedom and total wellness. www.drjudithorloff.com

FREE MINI VIDEO CLASSES ON YOUTUBE FOR YOU!
Please check out “Dr. Orloff’s Living Room Series” to find out more about the special method Dr. Orloff recommends to remember your dreams and other topics to build the power within. Stop by www.youtube.com/judithorloffmd anytime.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PURCHASE the paperback book, Whose Stuff Is This? Finding Freedom from the Thoughts, Feelings, and Energy of Those Around You at http://tinyurl.com/EmpathAmazon.
The e-book version is now available for Kindle, iPhone, iPad, and other digital reading devices on Smashwords.com. Get the PDF on the author's website: WeAreOneinSpirit.com.
Why not have someone read the book to you? Check out the audio book MP3 file version.

The author, Yvonne Perry, is available as a spiritual coach. See http://weare1inspirit.com/services/coaching/ for information about a free 15-minute evaluation to see if coaching is right for you.

Healing Loss: The Difference Between Grief and Depression

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s new book “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2011)

Depression is an emotion to be consciously transformed; grief is a reaction to loss that can transform you. Loss comes in many forms: the death of loved one, a pet, a job, a relationship. It’s a stripping away of a potent connection, leaving an aching emptiness inside. Despite grief’s agony, try to let it flow rather than attempting to change it or get it over with. Unlike depression’s emotional inertia, grief has an inherent healing trajectory that seeks to resolve itself. Choking grief off inhibits this forward motion and leads to depression. As I can attest, if we don’t shut down, grief can ultimately open the heart.

On January 24, 1982, I learned that my uncle Sidney had been murdered. A stoned teenage punk robbed him, then shot him point blank in the head, right after Sidney handed over the money in his business’s cash register. For over thirty years, Sidney and his brother Jerry had run “I. Orloff and Sons Furniture.” It was started in 1920 by my grandfather in South Philadelphia, an area that had disintegrated into a crime-infested ghetto. Uncle Sidney was a Humphrey Bogart look-alike who got into the role, calling his kids, wife, and me “Schweet-heart.” He was a modest, kind man. Everyone in the neighborhood adored him. When I moved to Philadelphia for medical school, Sidney helped me furnish my tiny one-room brownstone apartment overlooking the art museum. I remember watching him proudly lugging a brand new plaid couch from his store up five flights of stairs, an act of utter devotion. Uncle Sidney’s caring eased my waves of homesickness for California. He’d sometimes just look at me and beam: “My niece, the doctor!” When I later finished medical school at USC, he wrote me, “Your graduation announcement holds a place of honor on my den table. What a pleasure to renew our lives when you arrived with your companion Pipe {my dog} in Philadelphia. Please thank your mother and my brother for raising such a precious human being.” Three years later, my father, pale as I’d never seen him, broke the news: “Sidney has been murdered.” In the next moments of numbing silence, I staggered with disbelief. How could this be? Dear Sidney who’d never wished anyone harm. Why would a complete stranger want to kill him?

My grief at the death of my uncle set off a torrent of feelings in me with a momentum of their own. Shock. Rage. Anxiety. Sadness. Losing someone who loved me so much, and whom I loved so deeply, was unthinkable. It took a while for this brutal reality to sink in. I yearned to talk to Uncle Sidney, hug him, eat dinner at his house. But none of these everyday intimacies that you think will always be there were possible anymore. Even now, over twenty years later, though I’ve accepted Sidney’s death, I still miss him. Some grief you never fully get over. To this day, pangs of grief continue to resonate through me, not as a burden, but as a widening portal into the compassion of what enduring love means. In psychiatrist Elisabeth-Kubler-Ross’s iconic book, On Death and Dying, she presents common stages of grief. Denial: “This can’t be happening!” Anger: “I’m furious about the loss or at everything.” Bargaining: “I promise I’ll be a better person if only you bring him back.” Depression: “I don’t care anymore. Life is too unfair. Why try at all?” Acceptance: “I’m coming to terms with what-is. I’m devastated but I can continue to keep loving.” We each have our own time frame with these stages. Over the year following Sidney’s murder, I experienced every one. Sometimes I wanted to grieve alone. Sometimes I wanted to talk about it. Always I kept looking to the night sky for answers, as I have since childhood. Its spacious splendor offered consolation by embracing me in a oneness that reunites all love and lovers. The stars had Sidney in them: I felt them shimmering through me, bringing niece and uncle in communion again. I’m thankful for the support of family, friends, therapist, and the heavens that cradled me though this anguished period.

Depression can be a healthy stage of grieving, but people can get stuck there. What complicates grief is when it taps into early traumas or losses that contributed to depression. A chronically ill parent; a volatile divorce; death of close relative or friend. Your current grief is compounded by depressions that preceded it. Tip-offs that this is happening include: (1) Grief becomes mired in depression rather than evolving or resolving. (2) Old traumatic memories intrude on the present; you can’t get them out of your mind. In such cases, it’s imperative to obtain psychological assistance so you don’t become lost in the limbo of these feelings. Beyond this, stay aware of ingrained, depression-related negative beliefs that may get reactivated by the current loss. For instance, my brave cousin candidly said about an initial phase of his mourning, “My dad’s death reinforced the fatalistic views I used to have, how you can try and try but something can always be ripped away from you. I stayed angry and depressed a long time until I was ready to open my heart again and be grateful for each day.” I know how easy it is to become cynical or hopeless, particularly after the tragic loss of an innocent. But emotional freedom necessitates fighting not to give up. When you lose irreplaceable relationships, there will be gaping holes in your life. True, some things may never be the same. However, your future holds the promise for other rich bonds with other amazing people. Your dear ones who’ve gone don’t want you to stop loving. During grief, if old beliefs associated with depression surface, be kind to yourself, but seek the help you need to combat hopelessness.

In many patients and friends, I’ve seen grief catalyze an intuitive opening. Coping with death, in particular, tunes you into instinctual knowledge organically tied to the passage. Even if you’ve never considered the possibility of an afterlife before now, that question may become eminently relevant. Loss stimulates a part of you that may long to know. When grieving, notice any intuitions that lend insight. Pay special attention to dreams. After the passing of loved ones, it’s been commonly reported that they appear in dreams to assure us they’re all right. They know how much we worry. What’s striking is that the departed look younger, healthier, happier, no longer sick or in pain. Recently, I had one such dream following the death of Jim, the psychiatrist I described in Chapter 1 who’d been my savior as a teenager. He’d been suffering from cancer for months, which finally claimed him. I was moved that his wife invited me to the memorial service. Afterwards, I dreamed:

I’m in Jim’s home with his family. Jim is there too, but I’m the only one who can see him. He looks like himself, not at all a haunting specter. I ask: “Jim, are you dead?” He just smiles and says, “I don’t really see it that way!”

I awoke smiling too. Dreams about death are often conveyed with the lightness of cosmic humor to allay our worries. Intuitively, they enable us see that despite death’s physical finality, the spirit endures. Knowing this is enormously therapeutic when dealing with grief and in continuing a meaningful life. It may not console the part of you that needs a hug from those you’ve lost, but it’s feedback that they’re fine. We all die with our music in us and keep making it as we move on--an incredibly hopeful certainty. Swami Muktananda said, “The only thing you lose when you die is your fear of death.” We, the grievers, have it much harder. Still, accepting loss as part of life’s cycles eases your struggle with it. Unavoidably, there’s one appointment we all must keep. Once we can accept death, our own and others’, it puts the true nature of things into perspective, lets us savor every moment of our intimacies now. We can also more appropriately revere those who’ve passed without morbidness or trepidation. (In this spirit, some enlightened medical schools instruct students to consider their anatomy class’s cadaver they dissected as a “guiding hand” to remember throughout their careers as healers). Acceptance of loss doesn’t mean we like the idea of this sacrifice. But it does impart equanimity about such letting-go and a hopefulness about the longevity of love throughout time. Love never dies. It’s what animates the light throughout infinity.

When facing loss, try to keep breathing deeply and trust the process as grief transforms itself and you. I picture grieving as riding the tail of a comet on its orbit compared to the downward arc of depression’s stubborn gravity. Meanwhile, addressing old issues related to depression, as well as listening to intuition, enables you to psychologically work through grief and accept loss more easily.



Judith Orloff MD, an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA and intuition expert, is author of the New York Times Bestseller Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Three Rivers Press, 2011) Her other bestsellers are Positive Energy, Intuitive Healing, and Second Sight. Dr. Orloff synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition and energy medicine. She passionately believes that the future of medicine involves integrating all this wisdom to achieve emotional freedom and total wellness. www.drjudithorloff.com

FREE MINI VIDEO CLASSES ON YOUTUBE FOR YOU!
Please check out “Dr. Orloff’s Living Room Series” to find out more about the special method Dr. Orloff recommends to remember your dreams and other topics to build the power within. Stop by www.youtube.com/judithorloffmd anytime.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PURCHASE paperback book, Whose Stuff Is This? Finding Freedom from the Thoughts, Feelings,and Energy of Those Around You at http://tinyurl.com/EmpathAmazon. The e-book version is now available for Kindle, iPhone, iPad, and other digital reading devices.

Depression as a Spiritual Transformation

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s new book “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2011)

Transforming depression is sacred work. My blood runs cold when I hear of people entering conventional psychotherapy for this emotion without a peep of spirituality mentioned as part of healing. Why is this such a damaging form of neglect? You deserve to have an illuminated appreciation of depression to justly dignify it.  Otherwise you’ll lack appropriate awe for what you’re going though. I believe, as do many spiritual traditions, that depression is the dark night of the soul, a term used by mystic priest Saint John of the Cross, describing his journey through despair to fuller holiness. Seeing depression this way reframes it. The "dark night" speaks to your soul’s development. It’s not just about a biochemical imbalance or a neglectful mother, though these may be the provokers. It’s a releasing of your ego's grasp on the psyche, permitting positive change that can prompt redefinition of the self. Since the period is profoundly unsettling, it’s commonly perceived as "darkness." Mystics consider the dark night of depression not a negative, but a test of faith, an occasion for transformation.

The dark night varies in intensity for each of us. It may last weeks or longer. Sometimes your depression may be all encompassing, or it can be less extreme. Whatever your experience of the dark night is, it’s invaluable to find a therapist or wise guide familiar with the divine nature of this terrain (see the Resources section). Then you won’t be at the mercy of some well-meaning but spiritually clueless practitioner who pathologizes your experience according to a dogmatic medical model. I stick close to my patients who’re undergoing the dark night. I want to lend a supportive, dependable voice. I want them to know they’re not alone, to show that depression leads to awakening. When patients say, “I’m questioning everything, I don’t know what’s important anymore,” I say, “Yes, to reevaluate is often excruciating, but it’s healthy.” When they say, “I feel too disconnected to meditate,” I say, “Don’t try to force yourself. You’ll get back to it again. To feel separate and adrift is a phase of depression.” My patient Pat lost her husband, the love of her life, when he suffered a fatal heart attack while being mugged. She asked me, “What kind of God would let this happen? How can I ever believe in one again?” I honored her anguish as it was. I responded, “Of course you can’t. There’s no need to.” Trying to make a case otherwise in the initial aftermath of such seemingly senseless, inconsolable loss would’ve been misguided and disrespectful. 

I’m no Pollyanna, but what I’ve learned about the dark night is that it can organically incubate something drastically unexpected--and good--if you have the proper support. The emphatic “I can’ts” often evolve into surprising ways of viewing yourself and spirit even when everything in you argues against such possibility. After a year of grueling therapy, Pat bravely confronted her grief and depression, an ongoing pursuit. Having survived the very worst, she was now in a different place. Though she no longer defines God as a force outside herself, or indeed even uses the word, Pat now volunteers helping victims of violent crimes. Giving back is how she’s re-defined spirituality in this stage of our work together. Just as Pat sought my help to emerge from torment, not embittered but more whole, it’s imperative not to pass through the dark night alone. I wouldn’t wish that isolation on anyone. The danger of not reaching out is that you may stay painfully lost for a long time. During depression, you’ve got to look into eyes you trust. You’ve got to receive consistent, reliable counsel to keep moving ahead. Whenever I’ve been depressed, you’d better believe I’ve sought a spiritually canny guide to be there for me.

Oddly, the path to emotional freedom can sometimes wind in directions that may seem like the wrong way. I cherish Buddhist nun Pema Chodron’s position on the dark night:  “In the process of discovering our true nature, the journey goes down, not up, as if the mountain pointed toward the earth instead of the sky. We move down and down and down, and with us move millions of others, our companions in awakening …Right there we discover a love that will not die." During depression let this expanded awareness sanctify your passage and bring hope. Hope that depression will end. Hope that you’ll ascend from the depths, brighter, more open-hearted. Hope that you’ll gain deeper compassion for yourself and others.



Judith Orloff MD, an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA and intuition expert, is author of the New York Times Bestseller Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Three Rivers Press, 2011) Her other bestsellers are Positive Energy, Intuitive Healing, and Second Sight. Dr. Orloff synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition and energy medicine. She passionately believes that the future of medicine involves integrating all this wisdom to achieve emotional freedom and total wellness. www.drjudithorloff.com

FREE MINI VIDEO CLASSES ON YOUTUBE FOR YOU!
Please check out “Dr. Orloff’s Living Room Series” to find out more about the special method Dr. Orloff recommends to remember your dreams and other topics to build the power within. Stop by www.youtube.com/judithorloffmd anytime.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PURCHASE the paperback book, Whose Stuff Is This? Finding Freedom from the Thoughts, Feelings, and Energy of Those Around You at http://tinyurl.com/EmpathAmazon.
The e-book version is now available for Kindle, iPhone, iPad, and other digital reading devices on Smashwords.com. Get the PDF on the author's website: WeAreOneinSpirit.com.
Why not have someone read the book to you? Check out the audio book MP3 file version.

The author, Yvonne Perry, is available as a spiritual coach. See http://weare1inspirit.com/services/coaching/ for information about a free 10-minute evaluation to see if coaching is right for you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Is Empathy Helping or Hurting Your Career?

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s new book “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2011)

When President Obama announced he was looking for a Supreme Court nominee who demonstrated empathy, it triggered a national conversation about empathy--and whether it's a pro or con for a justice of the highest US court.

How about in the workplace? Is empathy an asset--or does it make you appear weak, indecisive, and vulnerable?

In the workplace, empathy has both an upside and a downside. People who are extremely empathic and sensitive need to be aware of both.

AM I AN EMPATH?

Take this self-assessment test from “Emotional Freedom” to see if you are a super-empathic person.

Yes	No	Have I been labeled by coworkers as "too emotional" or overly sensitive?
Yes	No	If a coworker is distraught, does it affect my mood at work?
Yes	No	Are my feelings easily hurt when a supervisor or peer delivers negative feedback?
Yes	No	Am I emotionally drained when I have to work closely with others, and do I require time alone to revive?
Yes	No	Do my nerves get frayed by office noise, machine noise, smells, or excessive talking?
Yes	No	Do I prefer working quietly and off by myself?
Yes	No	Do I overeat or need a happy hour cocktail to deal with work-related stress?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you're at least part empath. Reponding yes to more than three indicates that you're quite sensitive and empathic.

THE EMPATH'S UPSIDE AT WORK—FROM “EMOTIONAL FREEDOM”

You are big hearted, and big-hearted people are gifted helpers and mentors. Empaths are patient, kind, and compassionate--just what you need as a manager, trainer, or team leader.

You are passionate, and passionate people put their all into projects. Empathetic people are passionate about their beliefs and ideas. In creative roles, or as sales or marketing people, passion is a plus.

You are intuitive, and intutive people can read between the lines. Empaths often perceive gray areas in a discussion or sense unspoken tension in meetings. Their ability to read others' feelings is a critical skill in negotiating and personnel management.

You are an emotionally responsive person, and that means you are a great communicator. Listening is an essential business skill, and those who are best at it are emotional empaths who have a well-developed ability to relate to others, and then interpret or build on what they see and hear.

You are "in touch" with your emotions, which means others can connect well with you. We most admire and best relate to people who are authentic. In other words, they show their emotions. In the business world, being "real" helps you build networks, earn the loyalty of others, win clients, and forge alliances.

THE EMPATH'S DOWNSIDE AT WORK

You're an emotional sponge. Super empathetic people tend to pick up on others' emotions. This can be detrimental when a cool-headed leader is needed, or when an objective perspective would yield a clearer decision.

You're prone to anxiety, depression, and fatigue. If you're always tuned in to coworkers' feelings, it's difficult to keep your nerves from getting frazzled. You need to be able to process emotions coming at you from all directions.

You may find it hard to work well with others. Empaths often need to work alone, and they seek solitude in order to regain their calm. Other's may see you as antisocial.

You may be a victim of emotional vampires. Emotional vampires are people who suck the energy right out of you and leave you feeling drained and depleted. They may do this by being needy, talkative, cruel, or by running right over you. There are lots of different types of emotional vampires--and they're naturally drawn to empaths like you.

If you are a super sensitive and empathetic person, be aware of the ways this wonderful trait serves you in the workplace. But be extra careful to protect your emotional and physical health, because empathetic people are, by definition, more vulnerable and open than their peers.




Judith Orloff MD, an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA and intuition expert, is author of the New York Times Bestseller Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Three Rivers Press, 2011) Her other bestsellers are Positive Energy, Intuitive Healing, and Second Sight. Dr. Orloff synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition and energy medicine. She passionately believes that the future of medicine involves integrating all this wisdom to achieve emotional freedom and total wellness. www.drjudithorloff.com

FREE MINI VIDEO CLASSES ON YOUTUBE FOR YOU!
Please check out “Dr. Orloff’s Living Room Series” to find out more about the special method Dr. Orloff recommends to remember your dreams and other topics to build the power within. Stop by www.youtube.com/judithorloffmd anytime.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PURCHASE paperback book, Whose Stuff Is This? Finding Freedom from the Thoughts, Feelings,and Energy of Those Around You at http://tinyurl.com/EmpathAmazon. The e-book version is now available for Kindle, iPhone, iPad, and other digital reading devices. 

Are You Addicted to Fear? Learn How Not To Be!

If you don't make it your business to overcome fear, you better believe it'll try to overcome you. Most people are subservient to this emotion though they may not know it. I define fear as the emotional response to danger, perceived or real. What underscores fear in all its permutations is the feeling that you won't be all right.

Emotional Action Step from "Emotional Freedom". Harness Your Biology to Quiet Fear.
To short-circuit fear and turn off your flight-or-flight response, you'll need to train your brain to send chemicals to counteract them. Otherwise, fear and its hormones will make you crazed. In contrast, with a calm biology it's easier to find courage by practicing the combined techniques below to quiet your system.

To achieve immediate and longer term results:

• Eliminate caffeine, sugar, and other stimulants--these fuel the fight-or-flight response.
• Avoid people who reinforce your fear--they are biological irritants; stick close to emotional nurturers.
• Stay away from violent newscasts, traffic jams, arguments, or other stress inducers.

When you're in the grip of a fear-driven adrenaline rush, try these quick solutions.

• Use this Progressive Relaxation Technique: In a comfortable position, sitting or lying down, take a few deep breaths while letting your body go as limp as possible. When you're ready, begin by tightening the muscles in your toes...hold to a count of ten... then relax. Enjoy the relief of tension melting. Do the same with flexing your foot muscles, and move slowly through your entire body: calves, legs, stomach, back, neck, jaw, face, contracting and releasing each area.
• Immerse yourself in hot water to relax muscular tension as soon as possible.

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s new book “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2011)

These practical changes, which allow you to take control of your body, can be tremendously effective in restoring calm. You don’t have to be passive while battered by fear. The victim mentality takes many forms. It requires courage to assume control, to say, “I’m going to be responsible for my biological self-care.” Educating your body how to respond makes you emotionally freer.


Judith Orloff MD, an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA and intuition expert, is author of the New York Times Bestseller Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Three Rivers Press, 2011) Her other bestsellers are Positive Energy, Intuitive Healing, and Second Sight. Dr. Orloff synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition and energy medicine. She passionately believes that the future of medicine involves integrating all this wisdom to achieve emotional freedom and total wellness. www.drjudithorloff.com

FREE MINI VIDEO CLASSES ON YOUTUBE FOR YOU!
Please check out “Dr. Orloff’s Living Room Series” to find out more about the special method Dr. Orloff recommends to remember your dreams and other topics to build the power within. Stop by www.youtube.com/judithorloffmd anytime.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PURCHASE paperback book, Whose Stuff Is This? Finding Freedom from the Thoughts, Feelings,and Energy of Those Around You at http://tinyurl.com/EmpathAmazon. The e-book version is now available for Kindle, iPhone, iPad, and other digital reading devices.

How to Tell the Difference Between Fear and Intuition

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s new book “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2011)

In "Emotional Freedom" my approach to transforming fear has two stages. First, take stock of what makes you afraid and distinguish irrational fears from legitimate intuitions. Second, take appropriate steps to heed protective fears and transform the others with courage. At times you may foresee real danger, but more frequently unproductive fears clobber you. Therefore as a general rule, train yourself to question fears tied to low self-esteem; we’re all worthy of what’s extraordinary. For example, it’s right to question the fear that you’re too emotionally damaged to love; even the severely wounded can have their hearts opened again. True intuitions will never put you down or support destructive attitudes or behavior. Here are some guidelines for distinguishing legitimate fears from irrational ones:

How To Tell Fear From Intuition

Signs of a Reliable Intuition

• Conveys information neutrally, unemotionally  
• Feels right in your gut
• Has a compassionate, affirming tone
• Gives crisp, clear impressions that are “seen” first, then felt
• Conveys a detached sensation, like you’re in a theater watching a movie

Signs of an Irrational Fear

• Highly emotionally charged
• Has cruel, demeaning, or delusional content
• Conveys no gut-centered confirmation or on-target feeling
• Reflects past psychological wounds
• Diminishes centeredness and perspective

For comparison’s sake, I’ll share radically different examples of how I use the above criteria. One morning I got two calls from frightened patients who both claimed to be hearing voices. Truly a typical day in my office! The first came from Bill, a schizophrenic who’d been skimping on his meds. Bill’s inner “voice” kept haranguing him, insisting he was a bad person, that his food was poisoned, that his son was being raped again by the grandmotherly babysitter. Believing these “delusions” (false beliefs unsubstantiated by fact), he was absolutely unhinged. So Bill kept calling the cops, who sent a squad car out twice, but found no threat. Tolerant but tiring of this, the officers warned that if he contacted them again, they’d haul him off to a psychiatric hospital. My other patient, Jean, had been coping with despair about her brother suffering from end-stage AIDS. Jean’s inner “voice” said to immediately fly to New York to join him, though he’d recently been stable. True of authentic intuitions, it came through clear-as-a-bell, oddly matter-of-fact and followed the typical progression of being “seen first,” then felt.

Both patients asked me, “What should I do?’ I urged Bill to take his meds and offered reassurance about his safety, a tack that had lessened his fear many times in our decade of working together. Jean, however, I supported in buying a plane ticket because her intuition felt so imminent, so right. Fortunately, she did, despite the expense and inconvenience to her job. That week her brother took a sudden turn for the worse, slipped into a coma and died within hours. Heart-breaking as witnessing his death was for Jean, she was able to be at her brother’s side in those precious last moments.

Try to separate unhealthy fears from intuition. Though Bill’s case was extreme, you may also have some fears that belittle you or cause you to misinterpret danger. Perhaps in a fit of anger your ex-wife called you “useless” and you believed it. This is not intuition. Nor is being frightened of having cancer whenever a brown spot appears on your skin. Also, be skeptical of long-standing fears, say of heights; these are typically not premonitions.

If you’re en emotional empath, it can be especially tricky to ascertain which fears are authentic, helpful intuitions. Because you tend to absorb other people’s emotions, you may pick up their fear and think it’s your own. To avoid this, always ask yourself, “Is the fear mine or someone else’s?” One dependable way to find out is to distance yourself from the source. Move at least twenty feet away. If you experience relief, it’s likely you’re perceiving another’s fear. Although it’s fine to absorb courage and all positive emotions from others because they’ll strengthen you, you don’t want to absorb negativity. Move away, and keep releasing extraneous fear by exhaling it until the feeling passes.

While some apprehensions may be empathically linked to another’s feelings or, like Jean’s, are distinct intuitive warnings, the more garden variety ones reflect ingrained negative psychological patterns. To resolve these, you must know where they come from and do what’s necessary to loosen their hold.



Judith Orloff MD, an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA and intuition expert, is author of the New York Times Bestseller Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Three Rivers Press, 2011) Her other bestsellers are Positive Energy, Intuitive Healing, and Second Sight. Dr. Orloff synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition and energy medicine. She passionately believes that the future of medicine involves integrating all this wisdom to achieve emotional freedom and total wellness. www.drjudithorloff.com

FREE MINI VIDEO CLASSES ON YOUTUBE FOR YOU!
Please check out “Dr. Orloff’s Living Room Series” to find out more about the special method Dr. Orloff recommends to remember your dreams and other topics to build the power within. Stop by www.youtube.com/judithorloffmd anytime.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PURCHASE paperback book, Whose Stuff Is This? Finding Freedom from the Thoughts, Feelings,and Energy of Those Around You at http://tinyurl.com/EmpathAmazon. The e-book version is now available for Kindle, iPhone, iPad, and other digital reading devices.

How to Cope with Personal Space Intruders

Adapted from Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transfrom Your Life by Judith Orloff MD (Three Rivers Press, 2011)

If you want to see people flip their lids fast, try invading their personal space. What is personal space? In “Emotional Freedom” I emphasize its main aspects. First, it’s the invisible border that surrounds us and sets our comfort level when we interact. Depending on our preferences, it can range from inches to feet and varies with situations, upbringing, and culture. (Elephants have a no-go line of a few feet around them; cross it and you’ll hear a noisy trunkful or be charged.) Studies indicate that most Americans need an arms-length bubble around them. Second, personal space refers to the border that guards your physical and psychic privacy. You can violate it by barging in on your spouse when he or she needs to be alone. Other types of violations can include sound, odors, sneezing on someone if you have a cold, or cyber intrusions such as spam. You can also intrude into someone’s property or turf, a breach that can ignite gang violence or wars between nations.

To better understand your own needs about personal space and respect others’ be aware of the following triggers.

Ten Common Personal Space Intrusions

1.  Hearing the blather of someone’s cell phone conversation while waiting in line
2.  Telemarketers
3.  Loud music, loud people, loud machinery, or loud cars
4.  A dog lifting its leg preparing to pee on your roses
5.  Internet cons, schemes and spam
6.  Gym hogs who won’t let others work out on the equipment
7.  Air pollution, toxic fumes (for example, car exhaust), strong perfume
8.  Tailgaters or slow drivers 
9.  A person talking too close in your face or backslapping
10. Graffiti and vandalism

Why can personal space intrusions make our blood boil? Aside from being obnoxious, rude, dangerous, or unhealthy, they violate a primitive instinct that we’re not safe or respected. When we experience such violations, our brains actually react as if we were still back in 50,000 BC. Research shows that personal space disputes such as neighbor feuds about overgrown foliage are evolutionarily prompted responses aimed at guarding resources and ensuring survival.

Tips from “Emotional Freedom” to Honor Your Personal Space Needs

When someone intrudes on your personal space, don’t act impulsively. Take a breath. Stay calm. Decide how you want to respond. Sometimes you’ll opt to address the issue directly. If so, it’s most effective to express your needs with an even, non-accusatory or angry tone.

Option 1. Set limits

Talk to your family and friends
We often get short-tempered when we’re overwhelmed. Even a brief escape will relieve pressure and lets you emotionally regroup. Plan regular mini-breaks at home. Tell your kids you need five minutes in the bathroom with the door shut and that they may not intrude. Tell your mate you want to read in a separate room when the television is on. Or set limits with a friend by saying you’d like to refrain from late-night phone calls. Conveying your needs with kindness can lead to more loving relationships.

Speak up with others.
When you have an ongoing interaction with someone, it’s useful to set kind, firm limits--then show appreciation when the offender adheres to them. For instance, in a sweet voice, I asked a man at my gym who’s constantly on his cell phone, though they are banned, to please not use it so others could relax. Initially he snapped, “Well, I wouldn’t want to disturb you!’ but I just smiled back at him and sincerely said, “That is so kind of you, sir. I appreciate it.” Here, sweetness worked. At least around me, he never used the phone again. In some circumstances, though, resolving the conflict might involve more discussion and mutual compromise.

Avoid toxic situations.
Avoid or minimize contact with those who don’t respect your needs. For instance, don’t drive in a car with a rage-aholic. (Anger’s poisonous energy is intensified in cramped spaces). Or don’t travel with someone who’s an obsessively chronic talker if you want to be quiet and unwind.

Option 2. Practice the Zen approach.

Let it be.
Sometimes it’s more aggravation than it’s worth to confront intruders who you’ll never see again. The motor-mouth woman in the airport ticket line. The guy who steals your parking space. One mellow friend told me, “No one cuts me off in traffic anymore because I let everyone in!’ When faced with a “Let it be” scenario, your sense of equanimity is the greatest victory.

View the personal space intruder’s insensitivity with compassion.
Remember:
- They’re usually not doing it to you personally
- Maybe they’re just having a bad day
- They lack the good sense or manners not to intrude
- They’re so egotistical or inconsiderate they’re only concerned for themselves,
   a crippling deficit of heart
- If they’re being malicious, it’s a great weakness and darkness within them.

When someone intrudes on your personal space, stick to the high road. Try to remedy the problem using the above tips. It’s tempting to get nasty, which may provide a fleeting release, but it has no real gains. I’m so adamantly against “pay-back” because it’s completely devoid of compassion for the offender or any desire to improve how we humans relate.


Judith Orloff MD, an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA and intuition expert, is author of the New York Times Bestseller Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Three Rivers Press, 2011) Her other bestsellers are Positive Energy, Intuitive Healing, and Second Sight. Dr. Orloff synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition and energy medicine. She passionately believes that the future of medicine involves integrating all this wisdom to achieve emotional freedom and total wellness. www.drjudithorloff.com

FREE MINI VIDEO CLASSES ON YOUTUBE FOR YOU!
Please check out “Dr. Orloff’s Living Room Series” to find out more about the special method Dr. Orloff recommends to remember your dreams and other topics to build the power within. Stop by www.youtube.com/judithorloffmd anytime.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PURCHASE paperback book, Whose Stuff Is This? Finding Freedom from the Thoughts, Feelings,and Energy of Those Around You at http://tinyurl.com/EmpathAmazon. The e-book version is now available for Kindle, iPhone, iPad, and other digital reading devices.

4 Strategies to Cope with Anger in A Healthy Way

Adapted from “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2011)

Our world is in the midst of an emotional meltdown. People are restless, volatile, our tempers about to blow. Recently, a riveting Newsweek cover story, “Rage Goes Viral” described how from Tunisia to Egypt a wave of rage is rocking the world to create revolutions. Then there are the talk radio ranters, coongressional incivility, and domestic terrorists such as the Arizona shooter. Rage is also prevalent in our daily lives: There’s road rage, office rage, supermarket rage, and even surfer’s rage. Why is rage so rampant? What is the solution?

In my book, Emotional Freedom, I explore the differences between “good” and “bad” anger. Anger can be a healthy reaction to injustice such as cultures fighting to free themselves from repressive regimes. Anger rallies people. It creates energy and motivation to rebel against dysfunctional political or social systems. It also motivates groups to go on strike say, for higher, well-deserved wages or to defend human rights. On a personal level, anger can be good if it’s expressed in a focused, healthy way rather than using it as a weapon to punish or hurt others.

Your Body’s Reaction to Anger

As a psychiatrist, I know that anger is intensely physical and can come from a primal place. Let’s say a colleague double-crosses you in a business deal. You feel angry. Your amygdala (the emotional center in the brain) stimulates adrenaline. You get an energy rush that rallies you to fight. Blood flows to your hands, making it easier to grasp a weapon. Your heart pumps faster. You breathe harder. Pupils dilate. You sweat. In this hyperadrenalized state, aggression mounts. You may raise your voice, point accusingly, stare him down, grimace, flail your arms around, verbally intimidate, barge into his personal space. Taken to an extreme, you could literally be driven to knock him out or beat him up. In a pure survival-oriented sense, you want to dominate and retaliate to protect yourself and prevent further exploitation. Anger is one of the hardest impulses to control because of its evolutionary value in defending against danger.

What factors make us susceptible to anger? One is an accumulation of built-up stresses. That’s why your temper can flare more easily after a frustrating day. The second is letting anger and resentments smolder. When anger becomes chronic, cortisol, the stress hormone, contributes to its slow burn. Remaining in this condition makes you edgy, quick to snap. Research has proven that anger feeds on itself. The effect is cumulative: each angry episode builds on the hormonal momentum of the time before. For example, even the most devoted, loving mothers may be horrified to find themselves screaming at their kids if they haven’t learned to constructively diffuse a backlog of irritations. Therefore, the powerful lesson our biology teaches us is the necessity of breaking the hostility cycle early on, and that brooding on the past is hazardous to your well-being.

For optimal health, you must address your anger. But the point isn’t to keep blowing up when you’re upset rather--it’s to develop strategies to express anger that are body-friendly. Otherwise, you’ll be set up for illnesses such as migraines, irritable bowel syndrome, or chronic pain, which can be exacerbated by tension. Or you’ll keep jacking up your blood pressure and constricting your blood vessels, which compromises flow to the heart. A Johns Hopkins study reports that young men who habitually react to stress with anger are more likely than their calmer counterparts to have an early heart attack, even without a family history of heart disease. Further, other studies have shown that hostile couples who hurl insults and roll their eyes when arguing physically heal more slowly than less antagonistic partners who have a “we’re in this together” attitude.

Still, repressing anger isn’t the answer either. Research also reveals that those who keep silent during marital disputes have a greater chance of dying from heart disease or suffering stress-related ailments than those who speak their minds.

Here are some strategies from “Emotional Freedom” to productively cope with anger in daily life.

4 Tips To Diffuse Anger

1. When you’re upset, pause, and slowly count to ten.
To offset the adrenaline surge of anger, train yourself not to lash back impulsively. Wait before you speak. Take a few deep breaths and VERY slowly, silently, count to ten (or to fifty if necessary). Use the lull of these moments to regroup before you decide what to do so you don’t say something you regret

2. Take a cooling-off period.
To further quiet your neurotransmitters, take an extended time-out, hours or even longer. When you’re steaming retreat to a calm setting to lower your stress level. Reduce external stimulation. Dim the lights. Listen to soothing music. Meditate. Do some aerobic exercise or yoga to expel anger from your system.

3. Don’t address anger when you’re rushed.
Make sure you have adequate time to identify what’s made you angry. A Princeton study found that even after theology students heard a lecture on the Good Samaritan, they still didn’t stop to help a distressed person on the street when they thought they’d be late for their next class. Thus, allotting unhurried time to resolve the conflict lets you tap into your most compassionate response.

4. Don’t try to address your anger when you’re tired or before sleep.
Since anger revs up your system, it can interfere with restful sleep and cause insomnia. The mind grinds. Better to examine your anger earlier in the day so your adrenaline can simmer down. Also being well rested makes you less prone to reacting with irritation, allows you to stay balanced.

The goal with anger is to own the moment so this emotion doesn’t own you. Then you can mindfully respond rather than simply react. You’ll have the lucidity to be solution oriented and therefore empower how you relate to others.


Judith Orloff MD, an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA and intuition expert, is author of the New York Times Bestseller Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Three Rivers Press, 2011) Her other bestsellers are Positive Energy, Intuitive Healing, and Second Sight. Dr. Orloff synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition and energy medicine. She passionately believes that the future of medicine involves integrating all this wisdom to achieve emotional freedom and total wellness. www.drjudithorloff.com

FREE MINI VIDEO CLASSES ON YOUTUBE FOR YOU!
Please check out “Dr. Orloff’s Living Room Series” to find out more about the special method Dr. Orloff recommends to remember your dreams and other topics to build the power within. Stop by www.youtube.com/judithorloffmd anytime.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PURCHASE paperback book, Whose Stuff Is This? Finding Freedom from the Thoughts, Feelings,and Energy of Those Around You at http://tinyurl.com/EmpathAmazon. The e-book version is now available for Kindle, iPhone, iPad, and other digital reading devices.

How To Deal With A Narcissist

As a psychiatrist, I strongly believe that it is important to know about the narcissistic personality so you can have realistic expectations when dealing with coworkers, friends, or family members who may have some of these qualities.

In “Emotional Freedom” I describe how to recognize a narcissist. Here are some ways: Their motto is “Me first!” Everything’s all about them. They have a grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement, crave admiration and attention. A legend in their own mind, the world is reflected in their image. They’ll corner you at a party, recount their life saga. Some narcissists are unlikable, flagrant egotists. Others can be charming, intelligent, caring--that is, until their guru-status is threatened. When you stop stroking their ego or beg to disagree, they cab turn on you and become punishing. Once you catch onto this pattern, a narcissist seems about as charming as a banana peel.

These people are so dangerous because they lack empathy, have a limited capacity for unconditional love. Sadly, their hearts either haven’t developed or have been shut down due to early psychic trauma, such as being raised by narcissistic parents, a crippling handicap both emotionally and spiritually. (The damage of narcissistic parenting is outstandingly detailed in Alice Miller’s Drama of the Gifted Child). Hard as it may be to comprehend, these people have little insight into their actions, nor do they regret them. Though often highly intuitive, they mainly use intuition for self-interest and manipulation.’ As the Hassidic proverb cautions, “There is no room for God in him that is full of himself.”

To find out if you’re dealing with a narcissist, ask yourself the following questions from “Emotional Freedom.”

QUIZ: AM I IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A NARCISSIST?
• Does the person act as if life revolves around him?
• Do I have to compliment him to get his attention or approval?
• Does he constantly steer the conversation back to himself?
• Does he downplay my feelings or interests?
• If I disagree, does he become cold or withholding?
If you answer “yes” to one or two questions, it’s likely you’re dealing with a narcissist. Responding “yes” to three or more questions suggests that a narcissist is violating your emotional freedom.

Narcissists are hard nuts to crack. With these patients, the best I can do is align with their positive aspects and focus on behaviors that they agree aren’t working. Still, even if one wants to change, progress is limited, with meager gains. My professional advice: Don’t fall in love with a narcissist or entertain illusions they’re capable of the give and take necessary for intimacy. In such relationships you’ll always be emotionally alone to some degree. If you have a withholding narcissist spouse, beware of trying to win the nurturing you never got from your parents; it’s not going to happen. Also, don’t expect to have your sensitivity honored. These people sour love with all the hoops you must jump through to please them. If a narcissist is draining you emotionally, use these methods to get your power back.

Lower Your Expectations and Strategize Your Needs

Keep your expectations realistic.
Enjoy their good qualities, but understand they’re emotionally limited, even if they’re sophisticated in other ways. Accepting this, you won’t continue asking something of friends, family, or coworkers they can’t give. Consider this definition of insanity: when you repeat the same actions but expect a different response.

Never make your self-worth dependent on them.
Don’t get caught in the trap of always trying to please a narcissist. Also protect your sensitivity. Refrain from confiding your deepest feelings to someone who won’t cherish them.

Show how something will be to their benefit.
To successfully communicate with narcissists, frame things this way. Stating your needs clearly rarely works, nor does getting angry, or demanding. Alternatively, speak to what means something to them. Instead of saying to your spouse, “I’d really enjoy going to a family dinner,” reframe it as, “Everyone really likes you. They’d be delighted to have you there.” Or instead of saying to your employer, “I’d prefer to work fewer nights,” say, “I can bring in more revenue for your company during these hours.” Naturally, it’s better not to have to contend with the tedious ego-stroking of a narcissist. But if the relationship is unavoidable, use this technique to achieve your desired outcome.


Judith Orloff MD, an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA and intuition expert, is author of the New York Times Bestseller Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Three Rivers Press, 2011) Her other bestsellers are Positive Energy, Intuitive Healing, and Second Sight. Dr. Orloff synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition and energy medicine. She passionately believes that the future of medicine involves integrating all this wisdom to achieve emotional freedom and total wellness. www.drjudithorloff.com

FREE MINI VIDEO CLASSES ON YOUTUBE FOR YOU!
Please check out “Dr. Orloff’s Living Room Series” to find out more about the special method Dr. Orloff recommends to remember your dreams and other topics to build the power within. Stop by www.youtube.com/judithorloffmd anytime.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PURCHASE paperback book, Whose Stuff Is This? Finding Freedom from the Thoughts, Feelings,and Energy of Those Around You at http://tinyurl.com/EmpathAmazon. The e-book version is now available for Kindle, iPhone, iPad, and other digital reading devices.

The Healing Power of Releasing Resentments: A Gift to Yourself and Others

Judith Orloff MD

“If I stayed angry at other people, I would miss finding friends among those I was angry with”
From Rosa Parks interview in “Positive Energy” 

As a psychiatrist, I feel strongly that letting go of resentments, a point I emphasize in “Emotional Freedom,” is essential to free yourself from negativity. The main person the resentment hurts is you.

A resentment is a grudge that you harbor after you’ve felt mistreated. It’s easy to hold onto all the incidents that angered you, from a gossiping hairdresser to a two-timing ex-husband. And, if you took a poll, you’d probably get a lot of people on your side about your right to stay resentful. According to such logic, as time passes, you have “the right” to get angrier becoming a broken record of complaints. But is that the sour person you want to be? Instead, for emotional freedom, try to release resentments and let compassion purify them. One friend, in the midst of that process, likened uncovering resentments to “dragging dead bodies out of a well.” You don’t want moldering negativity rotting your psyche.

Forgiveness is a state of grace, nothing you can force or pretend. I guide patients toward the large-heartedness to forgive both injuries others have caused or they’ve self-inflicted. Forgiveness penetrates the impenetrable--the obstinacy that stifles love, the tenacious pain that dams our energy reserves. A Stanford research study showed that forgiveness significantly decreases stress, rage, and psychosomatic symptoms. I’m not saying that betrayal is ever justified, that you aren’t entitled to be upset if someone wrongs you. Or that you shouldn’t try to improve or else leave a destructive situation. Forgiveness, though, ensures that resentments don’t feed on your energy. Finally, remember forgiveness refers to the actor, not the act. Not the offense but the woundedness of the offender.

STRATEGIES TO LET RESENTMENTS GO

(From Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Three Rivers Press, 2011)

Strategy One. Set Your Intention to Release the Resentment
The purpose of releasing resentments is to increase your energy and to feel better. Select a target. A critical mother. A controlling boyfriend. A cutthroat colleague. Perhaps you’ve tried to discuss the grievance with no results. (Always attempt to work things out if the person is the slightest bit receptive.) Or your target may truly be unapproachable. In either case, away from the person, air your resentments without sugarcoating them. Do this in a journal, with a therapist, or friend. For example say, “I despise the double-crossing conniver because...” Frankly expressing your feelings is necessary to forgive.

Strategy Two Cultivate Forgiveness
In a quiet moment, really reach to find compassion for the person’s shortcomings, not the deed itself. This may be very hard work. What insecurities or fears motivated him or her? Why is the person’s heart so closed? What caused his or her moral blindness? Try to discern the context of the person’s actions. At this point, you may be inwardly able to ask yourself to start to forgive. Perhaps you’re not there yet--that’s okay. The request itself sets off a stream of compassion, a cleansing of your system. Repeat the exercise once a day for at least a week. See if your energy improves. I’ll bet you’ll feel a burden lift.

As part of forgiveness, take this reality check: People bring a lifetime of wounds to your relationship, which may make their behavior more about them than you. You might justifiably say, as one of my patients did, “I’m hurt and furious my spouse left me and refused to even talk about it. Isn’t it reasonable to want that?” Naturally it is. But your need doesn’t take into consideration your spouse’s terror of intimacy, or that he or she would do anything to escape it in your relationship or any other. Unfortunately, your spouse’s fears and inadequacies won out over your needs. To find forgiveness while endeavoring to heal anger, you must evaluate whom you’re dealing with, the good and the bad. Often, people are just doing the best they can--which may not amount to a hill of beans where you’re concerned, but it does represent the sad truth of the situation. Accepting that truth of someone’s limitations will help you to forgive.
~
Compassion opens a hidden door to a secret world that exists beyond anger. Notwithstanding, the feelings of anger or forgiveness aren’t mutually exclusive. You can simultaneously experience varying degrees of both. Perhaps, at first, you’re a little forgiving and a lot angry. But when you progress the scales increasingly tip toward forgiveness as your attachment to anger recedes.




Judith Orloff MD, an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA and intuition expert, is author of the New York Times Bestseller Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Three Rivers Press, 2011) Her other bestsellers are Positive Energy, Intuitive Healing, and Second Sight. Dr. Orloff synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition and energy medicine. She passionately believes that the future of medicine involves integrating all this wisdom to achieve emotional freedom and total wellness. www.drjudithorloff.com

FREE MINI VIDEO CLASSES ON YOUTUBE FOR YOU!
Please check out “Dr. Orloff’s Living Room Series” to find out more about the special method Dr. Orloff recommends to remember your dreams and other topics to build the power within. Stop by www.youtube.com/judithorloffmd anytime.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PURCHASE paperback book, Whose Stuff Is This? Finding Freedom from the Thoughts, Feelings,and Energy of Those Around You at http://tinyurl.com/EmpathAmazon. The e-book version is now available for Kindle, iPhone, iPad, and other digital reading devices.

How To Deal With A Control Freak

Judith Orloff MD

As a psychiatrist, I have observed that relationships can be one of the major sources of exhaustion for my patients. In “Emotional Freedom” I discuss how to deal with different kinds of draining people to avoid getting fatigued, sick, or burned out. One of these is the control freak.

It’s important to identify if you are dealing with a control freak then develop healthy strategies to communicate. These people obsessively try to dictate how you’re supposed to be and feel. They have an opinion about everything; disagree at your peril. They’ll control you by invalidating your emotions if those don’t fit into their rulebook. Controllers often start sentences with, “You know what you need?”…then proceed to tell you. They’ll sling shots like, “That guy is out of your league” or” I’ll have dinner with you if you promise to be happy.” People with low self-esteem who see themselves as “victims” attract controllers. Whether spouting unsolicited advice on how you can lose weight or using anger to put you in your place, their comments can range from irritating to abusive. What’s most infuriating about these people is that they usually don’t see themselves as controlling--only right.

Control freaks are often perfectionists. They may feel, ”If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.” Personally, I can relate to this attitude, though I’m getting better at delegating. Controllers are also controlling with themselves. They may fanatically count carbs, become clean freaks or workaholics. Conventional psychiatry classifies extreme cases as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder--people are rigidly preoccupied with details, rules, lists, and dominating others at the expense of flexibility and openness.

QUIZ: AM I IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A CONTROL FREAK?

• Does this person keep claiming to know what’s best for you?
• Do you typically have to do things his way?
• Is he so domineering you feel suffocated?
• Do you feel like you’re held prisoner to this person’s rigid sense of order?
• Is this relationship no fun because it lacks spontaneity?

If you answer “yes” to 1-2 questions, it’s likely you’re dealing with a controller. Responding “yes” to 3 or more questions suggests that a controller is violating our emotional freedom.

Use the following methods from “Emotional Freedom” to deal with controllers

Emotional Action Step. Pick Your Battles and Assert Your Needs

1. The secret to success is never try to control a controller
Speak up, but don’t tell them what to do. Be healthily assertive rather than controlling. Stay confident and refuse to play the victim. Most important, always take a consistent, targeted approach. Controllers are always looking for a power struggle, so try not to sweat the small stuff. Focus on high-priority issues that you really care about rather than bickering about putting the cap on the toothpaste.

Never make your self-worth dependent on them.
Don’t get caught in the trap of always trying to please a narcissist. Also protect your sensitivity. Refrain from confiding your deepest feelings to someone who won’t cherish them.

2. Try the caring, direct approach
Use this with good friends or others who’re responsive to feedback. For instance, if someone dominates conversations, sensitively say, “I appreciate your comments but I’d like to express my opinions too.” The person may be unaware that he or she is monopolizing the discussion, and will gladly change.

3. Set limits
If someone keeps telling you how to deal with something, politely say, “I value your advice, but I really want to work through this myself.” You may need to remind the controller several times, always in a kind, neutral tone. Repetition is key. Don’t expect instant miracles. Since controllers rarely give up easily, be patient. Respectfully reiterating your stance over days or weeks will slowly recondition negative communication patterns and redefine the terms of the relationship. If you reach an impasse, agree to disagree. Then make the subject off limits.

4. Size up the situation
If your boss is a controlling perfectionist--and you choose to stay--don’t keep ruminating about what a rotten person he or she is or expect that person to change, Then operate within that reality check. For instance, if your boss instructs you how to complete a project, but you add a few good ideas of your own, realize this may or may not fly. If you non-defensively offer your reasoning about the additions, you’ll be more readily heard. However if your boss responds, “I didn’t say to do this. Please remove it,” you must defer because of the built-in status difference in the relationship. Putting your foot down--trying to control the controller---will only make work more stressful or get you fired.

People who feel out of control tend to become controllers. Deep down, they’re afraid of falling apart, so they micromanage to bind anxiety. They might have had chaotic childhoods, alcoholic parents, or experienced early abandonment, making it hard to trust or relinquish control to others, or to a higher power. Some controllers have a machismo drive to be top dog in both business and personal matters--a mask for their feelings of inadequacy and lack of inner power. To assert territorial prowess, they may get right up in your face when they talk. Even if you take a few steps away, they’ll inch forward again into your space.

When you mindfully deal with control freaks, you can free yourself from their manipulations. Knowing how they operate will let you choose how to interact with them.



Judith Orloff MD, an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA and intuition expert, is author of the New York Times Bestseller Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Three Rivers Press, 2011) Her other bestsellers are Positive Energy, Intuitive Healing, and Second Sight. Dr. Orloff synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition and energy medicine. She passionately believes that the future of medicine involves integrating all this wisdom to achieve emotional freedom and total wellness. www.drjudithorloff.com

FREE MINI VIDEO CLASSES ON YOUTUBE FOR YOU!
Please check out “Dr. Orloff’s Living Room Series” to find out more about the special method Dr. Orloff recommends to remember your dreams and other topics to build the power within. Stop by www.youtube.com/judithorloffmd anytime.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PURCHASE paperback book, Whose Stuff Is This? Finding Freedom from the Thoughts, Feelings,and Energy of Those Around You at http://tinyurl.com/EmpathAmazon. The e-book version is now available for Kindle, iPhone, iPad, and other digital reading devices.

Could You Be An Emotional Vampire? How Do You Know?

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s new book “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2011)

We’ve all got a smidgeon of vampire in us, especially when we’re stressed. So, cut yourself a break. It’s admirable to admit, “I think I’m emotionally draining people. What can I do?” Can’t be free without such honesty. Then you can change. These are some common indications that you’re becoming a drainer.

• People avoid you or glaze over during a conversation
• You’re self-obsessed
• You’re often negative
• You gossip or bad-mouth people
• You’re critical, controlling
• You’re in an emotional black hole, but won’t get help--this strains relationships and won’t free you

The solution is always to own up to where you’re emotionally stuck and change the related behavior. For instance, one patient in computer graphics kept hammering his wife with a poor-me attitude about how he always got stuck with boring projects at work. Instead of trying to improve the situation, he just kvetched. She started dreading those conversations, diplomatically mentioned it to him. This motivated my patient to address the issue with his supervisor, which got him more stimulating assignments. Similarly, whenever I slip into vampire mode, I try to examine and alter my behavior or else discuss the particulars with a friend or a therapist so I can change. Don’t hesitate to seek assistance when you’re stumped. Also, review the types of emotional vampires in Emotional Freedom (the Narcissist, The Victim, The Controller, The Criticizer, The Splitter)  to make sure you’re not one of them.


Judith Orloff MD, an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA and intuition expert, is author of the New York Times Bestseller Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Three Rivers Press, 2011) Her other bestsellers are Positive Energy, Intuitive Healing, and Second Sight. Dr. Orloff synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition and energy medicine. She passionately believes that the future of medicine involves integrating all this wisdom to achieve emotional freedom and total wellness. www.drjudithorloff.com

FREE MINI VIDEO CLASSES ON YOUTUBE FOR YOU!
Please check out “Dr. Orloff’s Living Room Series” to find out more about the special method Dr. Orloff recommends to remember your dreams and other topics to build the power within. Stop by www.youtube.com/judithorloffmd anytime.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PURCHASE paperback book, Whose Stuff Is This? Finding Freedom from the Thoughts, Feelings,and Energy of Those Around You at http://tinyurl.com/EmpathAmazon. The e-book version is now available for Kindle, iPhone, iPad, and other digital reading devices.

Are You In Love With An Emotional Vampire? How to Cope With a Draining Mate

Adapted from “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2011)

People we love can sometimes drain us the most. Our mates may not be trying to do this, but life’s demands add up. For instance, at the end of a long day he or she comes home in a negative mood or is needy and overbearing. Sometimes the draining behavior may go beyond this where they become argumentative or hurtful. As a psychiatrist, I help my patients address these behaviors with their mates in a tactful loving way to find positive solutions. Learning this skill is a wonderful Valentine’s Day resolution to make in February, the month of love, and throughout the year. In my book “Emotional Freedom” I present different types of emotional vampires and how to combat them. An emotional vampire is someone who drains your energy. How do you know if you’re in love with one? The tip-off is that you often get tired around your mate and feel like taking a nap. Also after an encounter you feel sapped and they look more alive. Here I will describe the common types of emotional vampires in romantic relationships. Energy drain can be a touchy subject to bring up with your partner. However, it is essential to sensitively discuss the draining behavior so you’re not in a romantic relationship that is exhausting you.

Signs that your mate may be draining you.
During or after an interaction:

• Your eyelids are heavy—you’re ready for a nap
• You feel unappreciated or put down
• You glaze over when they’re talking
• You walk on eggshells around certain topics
• You run to the refrigerator to stuff yourself

Here are some common types of emotional vampires in the romantic arena and how to deal with them in clearly and effectively.

Vampire 1. The Nagger
These drainers become broken records and won’t let up with their requests until you act on them. Their comments include: “Did you call your mother yet? Did you get to the gym? When are you starting on your diet? They’ll annoy you with scolding, nitpicking, or repetitive demands. They can be so persistent that you feel pressured and drained.

How To Protect Yourself:
Set clear limits with your mate in a kind but firm tone. For instance, Say, “Sweetheart, I love you but you are pressuring me too much. Please back off a little.” Naggers often need to be gently re-trained. You may need to practice limit setting for a while to change this pattern.

Vampire 2. The Victim/Complainer
These types grate on you with their "poor-me" attitude. The world is always against them, the reason for their unhappiness. When you offer a solution to their problems they always say, "Yes, but..." You might end up dreading having the same conversations over and over again with your mate. You want to help, but his or her tales of woe overwhelm you.

How to Protect Yourself:
You can sympathize and listen briefly. Then tell your partner, " I can see you are upset, but I don’t think it’s constructive to keep rehashing the same issues. Let’s concentrate on solutions.” This approach allows you to be loving and to actively refocus the situation in a positive way.

Vampire 3. The Criticizer
These types have a sneaky way of making you feel guilty or lacking for not getting things just right. They can find fault with everything, and spot a flaw across a crowded room, then suggest how to improve yourself “for your own good.” These can be minor critiques or comments that seriously hurt your feelings.

How to Protect Yourself:
Try addressing the criticism positively, in a calm, neutral tone. Say, “I can see that you’re trying to help, but when you’re critical it’s harder for me to hear you.” Or you might want to strike a compromise. For instance, if your mate criticizes you for leaving the dishes in the sink, you can divide the task up between you. Do this with a very loving tone and attitude—I call it setting off a “love bomb” where you diffuse negativity with sweetness while offering solutions to correct the situation.

Vampire 4. The Self-Obsessed Drainer
With these types, everything becomes about them and you hardly get your needs listened to. They may downplay your feelings and interests as they steer the conversation back to them. (For extreme cases, see the description of “The Narcissist” in my previous blog).

How To Protect Yourself:
Everyone goes through self-obsessed periods, but it’s important to bring this to your mate’s attention so he or she can shift out of it quickly. You can say, “Honey, I adore listening to you, but it would make me feel loved if you also spend time listening to me too.” Most people are unaware they are becoming self-obsessed, but when you gently mention it change can occur.

Vampire 4. The Unintentional Sapper
The people closest to you often can be the most draining. There is so much to take care of everyday--your mate can add to your sense of being overwhelmed. For instance, he or she comes home after having lost a big account at work, and needs to vent frustration. You want to listen and be caring, but you’re tired too.

How to Protect Yourself:
Plan regular mini breaks from your mate (and children.) Even a brief escape can replenish you. Take a short walk, meditate in your bedroom for a few minutes, listen to music you love. Or, if your mate has a harrowing commute home from work which makes him or her cranky with you, let them take 10 minutes at home to decompress before you interact. You must negotiate your personal space with loved ones.

In relationships, it’s important for couples to respect each other’s energy needs. With your partner, it’s healthy to protect your energy too. Don’t feel guilty or restrained about using my techniques. Honoring your energy isn’t selfish. It will increase your patience and capacity to love.


Judith Orloff MD, an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA and intuition expert, is author of the New York Times Bestseller Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Three Rivers Press, 2011) Her other bestsellers are Positive Energy, Intuitive Healing, and Second Sight. Dr. Orloff synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition and energy medicine. She passionately believes that the future of medicine involves integrating all this wisdom to achieve emotional freedom and total wellness. www.drjudithorloff.com

FREE MINI VIDEO CLASSES ON YOUTUBE FOR YOU!
Please check out “Dr. Orloff’s Living Room Series” to find out more about the special method Dr. Orloff recommends to remember your dreams and other topics to build the power within. Stop by www.youtube.com/judithorloffmd anytime.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PURCHASE paperback book, Whose Stuff Is This? Finding Freedom from the Thoughts, Feelings,and Energy of Those Around You at http://tinyurl.com/EmpathAmazon. The e-book version is now available for Kindle, iPhone, iPad, and other digital reading devices.